Saturday, December 31, 2011

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

A Hard Conversation

Marley and I were driving to get some dinner tonight when she piped up from the backseat:

"Mom, are you going to die?"

Me: "I'm not going to die right now honey.  What made you think about that?"
Her: "I don't know."  *Long silence*  "Well, are you going to go to heaven?"
Me: "Yes.  You and I will both go to heaven if we have Jesus in our hearts."
*Another long silence*

Her: "But Mom if you get sick, you might die. 
I don't want you to die.  Who will take care of me?"

I think I felt my heart break.

Me: "Oh honey, I'm not sick."
Her: "But Daddy died.  Why was his body so sick?"

What am I supposed to say???  Help me, Lord.

Me: "Well, sometimes it just happens to people.  But Daddy was really, really, really, really, really sick, remember? 
But I'm not sick. And you're not sick."
Her: "But I don't want to die.  But I do want to go to heaven where Daddy is."

Big tears well up in her eyes. 
"I want to see Daddy.  But I don't want to die.  I want Daddy to see this (she holds up her stuffed animal) but he can't see it. And I can't see him.  And I really, really want to see him."
Me: "I think Daddy can see it honey.  We can't see Daddy right now, but I think Daddy can see us, just like Jesus can see us.  And someday we will get to see him when we get to heaven.  Daddy will be waiting for us and he'll give you a big hug and say, There's my Peanut!  I've been waiting for you!".

Marley: "But Mom, I don't want you to die. And I really miss Daddy and I want to see him." 
Full-on tears are streaming down her face.

What do I say, Lord?  She's only three. 
She doesn't understand that we will all die someday. 
And she doesn't need to worry about that right now, right?

Me: "I'm not going to die, baby.  I'm going to stay right here and take care of you.  Cause you're my girl, and it's my job to take care of you.  I'm not going anywhere.  It's me and you."
A little smile emerges through the tears. Then...

Her: "I'm hungry.  Can I have a chocolate shake?  But I still miss Daddy."
Me: "Of course you can.  And I miss Daddy too, a lot."

Those were the hardest five minutes of my life as of late.  Whew.  Just when I think she's OK and has a handle on things, she comes out with something that knocks my socks off.  I'm glad that she feels free to talk about it, and I try really hard not to let my pain and emotions get transfered onto her, but I also want her to know that I'm sad about Jim too. 
I hope I'm doing this right. 
How does one help a three year old cope with the death of someone dear? 
It's been just over eleven months since Jim died. 
Will we ever stop hurting this way? 
I don't think so.

Monday, December 26, 2011


Marley and I have been doing a lot of driving lately, so we've also been doing a lot of chatting.  As we were driving to my parents' for Christmas, she said to me, "Mom, I sure do wish it would snow sometime soon.  But I'm not in charge of the weather.  GOD is in charge of the weather.  Right, Mom?"

It blesses my mommy's heart to hear my baby girl say things like that!

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Christmas Past

2008~ Marley was six months old.

2009~ Age 1 1/2.

2010~ Age 2 1/2

Merry Christmas!

Monday, December 19, 2011

Christmas Celebrations

This weekend was the weekend for Christmas parties!
First, we went to Lisa's house to celebrate with
Jim's side of the family. 
We missed him, but it was so nice to see all of them.

One of the most precious moments of that afternoon was when Marley opened this gift from Tom.
This monkey has followed us everywhere we've gone over the past twenty-four hours(even to the grocery store)!  It is presently snuggled up next to her in bed.

After time with the Dillon side of the family, we met up with the Payne side at the Beef House.
The kids got numerous compliments from the
waitresses on how well-behaved they were. 
We were so proud of them!

Then it was off to Mom and Dad's for gifts,

along with some relaxing and chatting.

Then we all gathered 'round while Dad read the Christmas Story from the Bible.  It's something we've done every Christmas for as long as I can remember.  It's one of my favorite traditions.
We all got a black-bottom cupcake with a candle in it and sang Happy Birthday to Jesus.

Mom made the girls some adorable nightgowns.  The girls all put theirs on right away. 
They looked so cute!

Look at the ornery looks being exchanged between the two in purple.  Cracks me up!

This is was a great day. 
I'm so blessed to have such a wonderful family!