Lest anyone think that I've somehow managed to keep it "all together",
here's a true story...
Last night I was really struggling with missing Jim, being an only parent, and all the joys (but mostly the TRIALS) that go with it. Marley and I were eating dinner, and she'd been quite a stinker since I picked her up from school. I don't remember exactly what she did or said, but whatever it was, it was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. I calmly stood up and told her, "Marley, Mama needs a Time Out. I'm going to go in my bedroom and shut the door, and I don't want you to open it, OK? I'll be back in just a minute."
As soon as the latch clicked, the child in me kicked in and I literally threw myself flat on my bed, spread-eagle, face in the pillow, and threw a great big fat tantrum at God. It went something like this...
"God, You are NOT NICE! I'm sick and tired of doing this by myself. Why did You have to let him die??? That was NOT NICE!!! What did I do to deserve this? Are you punishing me for something? Everything was just fine until You let him get sick and die. You could have stopped it, but You didn't.
I would never, never, never just sit by and watch something this horrible happen to my daughter! I would move heaven and earth and everything in between to fix it for her. I thought You loved me more than that. All I want is for him to come back and for things to be the way they were before You just let him die!!! That was NOT NICE!!! It's been over a year, and it still hurts just as much as it always has. This is bullshit [sorry, Dad and Mom, I said a bad word] and I think it's really mean for You to let me hurt this way. There are lots of parents who don't want their kids, but Jim and I really wanted that precious baby. And You let him die too. There are so many people in this world who choose to leave their spouses, but I wanted to keep mine. [Please...if you're divorced~ please, please, please don't take offense. Consider the context of that stupid, ignorant statement. Divorce is never so cut and dry. I left it in to show how human and flawed I sometimes am...] How am I supposed to be a good mom to Marley when I'm so mad all the time? How am I supposed to go through life like this?!? I DON'T LIKE IT and it was not nice of You not to fix it!!!! I've lost a baby, and all three of the men I've truly loved in my life are DEAD. How much more do You plan on throwing at me???? This is NOT NICE! I HATE IT!!!"
And guess what? He quietly spoke into my soul, as if to say, "Are you done? Anything else you want to scream about?
You know that I love you.
I show you all the time.
That little girl out there eating supper all by herself is living proof that I love you.
And you are not alone.
I'm right here.
All you have to do is look at Me.
You know this wasn't my plan for Jim, or your baby boy, or you, or Marley.
Now, if you're done, dry your tears, get up, and go finish your dinner."
So I did.
I'm so glad I serve a faithful, forgiving, gracious God.
Even when my inner child comes out and gets the best of me.