Lest anyone think that I've somehow managed to keep it "all together",
here's a true story...
Last night I was really struggling with missing Jim, being an only parent, and all the joys (but mostly the TRIALS) that go with it. Marley and I were eating dinner, and she'd been quite a stinker since I picked her up from school. I don't remember exactly what she did or said, but whatever it was, it was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. I calmly stood up and told her, "Marley, Mama needs a Time Out. I'm going to go in my bedroom and shut the door, and I don't want you to open it, OK? I'll be back in just a minute."
As soon as the latch clicked, the child in me kicked in and I literally threw myself flat on my bed, spread-eagle, face in the pillow, and threw a great big fat tantrum at God. It went something like this...
"God, You are NOT NICE! I'm sick and tired of doing this by myself. Why did You have to let him die??? That was NOT NICE!!! What did I do to deserve this? Are you punishing me for something? Everything was just fine until You let him get sick and die. You could have stopped it, but You didn't.
I would never, never, never just sit by and watch something this horrible happen to my daughter! I would move heaven and earth and everything in between to fix it for her. I thought You loved me more than that. All I want is for him to come back and for things to be the way they were before You just let him die!!! That was NOT NICE!!! It's been over a year, and it still hurts just as much as it always has. This is bullshit [sorry, Dad and Mom, I said a bad word] and I think it's really mean for You to let me hurt this way. There are lots of parents who don't want their kids, but Jim and I really wanted that precious baby. And You let him die too. There are so many people in this world who choose to leave their spouses, but I wanted to keep mine. [Please...if you're divorced~ please, please, please don't take offense. Consider the context of that stupid, ignorant statement. Divorce is never so cut and dry. I left it in to show how human and flawed I sometimes am...] How am I supposed to be a good mom to Marley when I'm so mad all the time? How am I supposed to go through life like this?!? I DON'T LIKE IT and it was not nice of You not to fix it!!!! I've lost a baby, and all three of the men I've truly loved in my life are DEAD. How much more do You plan on throwing at me???? This is NOT NICE! I HATE IT!!!"
True story.
And guess what? He quietly spoke into my soul, as if to say, "Are you done? Anything else you want to scream about?
You know that I love you.
I show you all the time.
That little girl out there eating supper all by herself is living proof that I love you.
And you are not alone.
I'm right here.
All you have to do is look at Me.
You know this wasn't my plan for Jim, or your baby boy, or you, or Marley.
Now, if you're done, dry your tears, get up, and go finish your dinner."
So I did.
I'm so glad I serve a faithful, forgiving, gracious God.
Even when my inner child comes out and gets the best of me.
Good post, Megan. You know it's okay to throw fits at God. You heard him correctly. Your feelings, I'm sure, are felt by all those single moms out there. Hope some are reading this. Just a reminder - your mom and dad love you too, even when you throw fits!
ReplyDeleteI am not sure how I want to put this. But I will try. The love for God that you have show through even in the bad times. If he was someone you did not love would you dare to talk to someone you feared in that manner. I think the best of us need to be weak in a second to be strong for the hours. Marley is lucky to have a mom who lets her know that God does not just want to talk to us when it ok, but when we feel no where left to turn. I hope this make sense, because I have seen in others and felt some of the frustration that you are expressing and it really is a show of how much you trust and love God to dare call him out, and him speak back.
ReplyDeleteI feel your heart Megan. I too threw a similar fit at God once and within a few days He showed me how much he had provided. My parents, especially Mama had been praying with us to have a baby. Then I got a phone call telling me that she had died suddenly of a massive heart attack. Little did I know that I was pregnant as we traveled to Louisiana for her funeral. Yeah, I was so angry with God over taking her. And to be honest it has grieved my heart many times throughout my kid's lives as I think how they missed having such a wonderful Grandma. But I no longer question His wisdom,,,still don't understand it, but have come to the place in my heart where I can say, "it is well with my soul'. It has also created in me such a deep desire to be a blessing in the life of my own grandchild, hoping some day to have many more. I know oh so well that my time could be shortened. Isn't it a comfort to know that God didn't fall off His throne when He heard your outcry. He didn't huff and puff saying, "well, I didn't know THAT was how your felt". He hears your cries and feels your pain and your were sensitive to hear Him remind you of His presence. Megan, you're in a good place.
ReplyDeleteMuch love to you. LaRhonda
What a sweet message of love from God in your moment of pain.
ReplyDeleteIsn't it comforting to serve a God who is big enough to let you unload your hurting heart on Him? who can love you and me even when we're unlovely? who can work a bigger good than we can ever imagine from circumstances we don't understand?
Life as God's child isn't always fun or fair or pretty. And, from our side of things, that really stinks sometimes. I'm so thankful that He knows what He's doing and that He is completely trustworthy--even when it's hard for our human hearts to trust Him. I'm also thankful to see you continue to take your hurts to God.
I look forward to the time when you notice that the good days outnumber the difficult ones and that laughter comes more often than tears. In the meantime, continue to lean hard on God and on your family and friends who love you.
Love and prayers,
Lonnilei
God bless you for sharing this,Megan! It's a lesson we all need to remember! Were you able to listen to that song I posted? This reminds me of the message in that song. Love and prayers, Jen
ReplyDeleteThank you for your encouraging words, everyone. Marley's teachers always tell me that the fact that she throws most of her fits just around me is a sign that she feels safe... I wonder if it's the same thing when we do it to our Heavenly Father?
ReplyDelete